Being Naked

There is nothing more scary than being emotionally naked and exposed. That is exactly where I found myself today. Not only emotionally nude in front of my love, but the entire world.

I thought I understood love. After all, I had gotten married, had babies and owned pets, all of which are different levels of love. Nothing could have prepared me for the roller coaster I rode in love with my love. There is nothing like soul connection love. It is close to the kind of love you feel for your child, but it different. Soul love is rooted in seeing yourself in the other person. All acts of aggression or love impact you as deeply as it impacts your mate. He is everything I ever dreamed of in a person. He was exactly on the same path of emotional growth as me. We share the love of healthy living, and the same sense of humor. We are matched on so many levels it not imaginable. I have always said if I knew him in kindergarten he would have been my friend. We would play in the sand box and swings together. The connection is unable to be explained. At times, we would be texting each other the same messages nearly word for word. It was like being with yourself, but in a different body.
The kind of love that comes with such a connection is unconditional love. It forces the two souls to deal with the ugly, dirty, and darkest parts of the beings. Nothing remains hidden and the experience is terrifying. Given I am a strong woman who wears an outside shell-like armor, good luck breaking down the walls to my heart. It became apparent very quickly if this love was to mature and last that is exactly what had to happen.

I was not born wearing a turtle shell. As a matter of fact, my poor mother did not know how to deal with me. I am so empathic to the world around me feeling all the pain, I had to build walls to survive. As life happened, the more strength I gained, thicker the armor became and the walls around my heart were erected. Given my love and I do nothing independently, including being born less than 24 hours apart, we embarked on personal crisis about three years before we met. He had his own rock bottom, one that most people never experience that included a spiritual awakening. I, too, had a spiritual awakening during the same time. Our lives nearly parallel each others. Even though we had grown up in different states, I had visited his home town when I was teenager and he had been within miles of me during our college years. By the time we met, we were both on similar paths and many hurts of our earlier life experience were in the process of healing.

The big injuries we both carried had been dealt with before we met. It was that fact that allowed us to even match up. Both had embarked on a life of spiritual well-being, sound body and mind at that point. However, soul connection bonds require so much more. Of course, this meeting was not perfectly time, well, it was God’s perfect time, just not on paper. Engrossed in establishing a new way of life for my family, while engaging in this new kind of love my father fell ill and died suddenly. In the process of grieving, doing soul growth work was not the best timing. I have long learned not to question God’s plan. I know better to fight His plan. So as I grasped to accept the death of my father I was also being forced to shed all my armor that protected my heart to my love. The love connection demanded a complete abandonment of self, with honesty and lack of judgement. Every time I felt I had completed a task of soul growth another challenge appeared. Of course, God gives us free will, but I knew it was now or later so I just picked now. The funny thing is none of this took place in plain sight. On the surface, it appeared to be petty drama and conflict. My first reaction was always to roll my eyes, because that is what your ego does. I knew deep inside the drama was present, because of character flaws I must address. My love felt my energy just as I knew his. I could run from him, but never hide. Last August, on the heels of my dad’s death, the last of the walls around my heart had to fall. Facing a list of character flaws that were damaging our relationship, I dredged off to therapy and started using tools of recovery to address growing in a home with alcoholism. What I ended up with six months later is a soul cleansing. The last of the walls around my heart fell and my outer shell layers thinner. Now is where the happy ending should arrive, but that is not the case. Standing completely emotionally unprotected with my heart exposed, my love has disconnected from the relationship. I will never speak ill of him. He has given me the greatest gift in forcing me to heal at the soul level. I am not even certain he truly understand the profound impact the relationship has had on me. It is not something easily observed. Only subtle personality traits reflect the profound change within me. I suspect the only way he would ever know what this has done would be to read these words.

I have learned to live only in the moment for it is all we have. I am not certain if our story has ended or this is just another chapter in the book. I do know I stand before God and the world completely naked today, emotionally exposed waiting of the next clear step. As the saying goes………….more will be revealed.

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