There has not been a single man I was in love with that has not thrown me away. Those words sound harsh or full of self-pity, but for lack of a better term, I am the throw away woman. I know everyone experience rejection in life. The astonishing experience in my life is I have never been not broken up with in all my relationships. The next question would be what is wrong with this woman? Clearly, if no man could find her a suitable partner she must be broken. I believed that for a long time about myself.
Finally, after my marriage had ended emotionally, at age 43, I decided it was time for learn what is wrong with me. After all, I spend my whole life hearing the problems were with me. I bravely started seeing a therapist. I had reached a time in my life were I was ready to face all the issues that those around me found intolerable. I was ready to learn, listen and work to be a better version of me. What I learned was of complete shock to me. There is absolutely nothing wrong with me. As a matter of fact, I am deemed to be in better emotional health than most people. I looked at my therapist in disbelief. That is impossible. Everyone says I am crazy. From that day on we explored the relationships I have in my life and exactly the issues that existed. Ironically, my responsibility was to learn coping tools for those around me. Sadly, I am surrounded by many that are not as emotionally healthy as me that resulted in my experiences.
At the time, I started therapy, I had just met my love. Right before I met him, I had resided myself to the fact some women just did not get to experience love like I envisioned. I was completely ready to let go of the romantic notions that I held about love. I had decided I could live a full life without a romantic partner. He changed how I felt. The walls around my heart came down to allow me to pour all the love I am into him. Parts of me that I thought had long died woke up during this time. I began to dream again of a future. I saw the possibility that it was not too late for a life filled with a lover, friend, and companion. I was overjoyed. Yes, it seemed like to take a long time, lots of sorrow and heartbreak, but my time had come.
As I share these thoughts I find myself once again as the throw away woman. Yet, this time, it is somehow different. In the past, I could look back and see how I handled myself or why the relationship did not work. Previously, I had not been willing to look so deeply into myself. My old self spent a lot of time defending my character flaws. This time, as painful as it was, I embraced my flaws for understanding and growth. I pushed myself to be the best version of myself. I was a student of life. I learned how to heal and understand my past pain. I learned to forgive others for the role they played in my life. I forgave myself. During this relationship I took responsibility for me. I did not blame him or look to him for my happiness. He made me happy, but that was my responsibility to care for my own well being.
As I struggle with the pain of rejection once more, I realize it is not my fault I can not find lasting love. Maybe love is not meant to last. Maybe love is not meant to last for me. Maybe the love ending all these times have little to do with me. The truth this time is I do not know why it did not work. I just know I left it all on the field this time. I made my mind up this time I was not going to have regret. I was not going to play the game that I should have done it differently. This time I walk away knowing I gave the best I have to give. That just has to be enough. Like objects that break, so do relationships. So times things stop working for no real reason. The object just breaks and we throw it away. Maybe for all of us throw away women we are not the broken ones. Maybe, just maybe, the relationship broke.
Ironically, in each case, except one, I had the other person contact after the break up. It has always been the same conversation. He always says I made a mistake breaking up with you. He says you are an amazing person. I hear I miss you. I need you in my life. You are the best woman I ever met. I have never returned to any of those relationships after the conversations. I am kind and grateful for the validation is was not my fault the relationship broke. I am far beyond playing the blame game in life. People are flawed and imperfect. Relationships are made of up of people. Some imperfections in life can be beautiful and thrive. The imperfections of my relationships could not thrive. Maybe that is due to a different points of view of how a relationship looks. It looks flawed, it looks imperfect, because it is. There is beauty in the imperfect, but some are blind to that. They search and search for the perfect relationship and the perfect partner. There is no such thing. It is an illusion, because nothing is perfect in this world. God made us beautifully imperfect. I just can’t find the man who shares my understanding. So until I do, I will remain the throw away woman.