I Was Bad.

I have been blessed to have many people reach out to me during this time of pain. One person said to me, please don’t stop writing. Your words are helping me. It has always been my intent to take all my experiences in life, both good and bad, and share. After all I have gained wisdom from walking my path.

It is difficult to share today. It has not been easy to share about my life at all. When you are in pain, you want to just curl up and die. I realized the sooner I confront my pain the sooner I can release it into the hands of God to heal. I had a bad moment yesterday. I did not behave in a way I normally do. I acted out in a way that makes me feel shameful. Worst of all, I hurt someone I love beyond reason.

The stress of the separation has been overwhelmingly full of pain, exhaustion and pure misery. The level of unconditional love that was being asked of me, become too much for me to bare. Unfortunately, I did not have a grasp of my feelings or time to gather myself to act in a healthy way. My pain that had been building, out of control. for newly a week, came pouring out of me. That pain slapped my love right in the face. It doesn’t really matter what he said that made me snap to acted in a way that would be featured on a reality show. The fact is I did not stay true to the best version of myself. Most people say that happens. We are human. He deserves it after what he has done to you. The truth is no matter what he has or has not done, there is no excuse for my lashing out.

The end result was him declaring he does not want to see me. He stated that he needed that moment to validate he made the right decisions to separate. I apologized several times for my actions. As I reflect, I understand that the event happened for a reason. We were not going to be able to do what we wanted to do or or maybe I could not do what he wanted to do. As much as I wanted to remain apart of his life right now while he saw other women, in the end, I just could not do it. Instead of really thinking about what I could do or not do, my anger and pain became apparent. I reached the end of my rope, pushed over the edge, or hit my boiling point. None of these excuse my action of lashing out at someone that was doing his best to make this difficult time easier for me. The truth is you can not get comfort from the one that is hurting you. That becomes a game of insanity. I was on the crazy train heading for derailment. I do feel all his actions have been from the highest place of love for me. Although, I believe he has blind spots in understanding how greatly the whole ordeal has destroyed my very soul.

After this event, we parted ways, but first, he said, “I will always love you”. I do believe that, just as I will always love him. I think that is why I am so upset that I was not able to be loving towards him yesterday. The truth is I do love him and I caused him pain. Until that very moment, I had not caused him pain. I have hope when the dust settles we can truly be friends again. I just think it is too hard for me right now. I hope in time he will forgive me for yesterday. As horrible as it was, I know it was in the plan. God saw me breaking. It truly was a moment I needed to take back my power. In loving him so much, I had lost myself. I wish I could have taken my power back in a kind way. Yet, more spiritual growing for me in the future.

The reality is he and I both have more emotional growth to do in life. The deep emotional connection, that we both validate, can not survive in the face of ego. Maybe the separation is so we can grow individually and later enjoy the gift God gave us as a couple again. Maybe the separation is forever, because one or both will never reach emotional maturity. I do not have that answer. Only God knows that answer. Right now God is saying you are both not ready for what I gave you. He is taking it away until we appreciate the deep, unconditional love we share in a healthy way.

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