I know I will be ok, but I am tired of having to be ok. In the last three years, my husband was diagnosed with bi-polar disease, my dad got sick and passed, my mom had cancer and my love broke up with two separate time. I am tired of having to figure how to be ok in the mist of so much.
They say God gives you what you can handle. I have no great words of wisdom from the journey of the last three years. I do know I have made peace with many I was having conflict with for decades. All the karma I had to clear to be at peace has happened. The one person that helped me clear my baggage has left. The only problem with that is I now share baggage with him.
I had a very bizarre dream last night. A dream I have never had. I was eating glass. As I spit out the glass my husband was frantically trying to piece the small bottle, that had been in my mouth back together. Parts of the bottle were missing. I had swallowed glass. I search the meaning of the dream. What it said frightened me. The meaning is that of fragility. It is the psyche working out oppressed feelings in your life. The meaning indicates a serious emotional issue. It is not surprising after the three years I have had I feel fragile. I feel like ever inch of my soul has been exposed and all my nerves are uncovered. It has reached such limit that my sleeping state must clear what my reality has become. The laughable part is I have not really been sleeping at all, when I do my psyche is house cleaning.
Now that I know what my head does on the pillow, I am beginning to question am I really ok? Do we say we are ok, because we wish it so? Maybe I say I am ok, because I want others to not be concerned. I don’t want to be the person that is not ok. I am trying to pick up the pieces of the last week. I need to start a new chapter in my life. I am meeting new people. I know I am eating glass in my sleep. I cringe at the thought. The truth is new friends do not want to know your life circumstances are such that you struggle every day to be ok.
I count my blessings each day. For I know things could be much worse and I have so much. The question is does my own mind believe it. The truth appears in your sleep.