It took me a long time to understand honesty. I don’t mean in the sense as we learn to tell the truth as young children. I mean it took me a long time to learn to be truthful with myself.
I actually felt I had a better understanding of being truthful with myself as a teenager. I remember having a good sense of self as a young adult. Where things got screwy was sometime in my twenties. I stopped listening to my intuition at about that time. I can’t really tell you why I stopped listening to myself. I would say the simplest answer is just a lack of self-confidence in listening to what felt right or wrong. Everything around me felt wrong so I learned to accept that life feels bad. I had no understand of intuition or spiritual wellness at the time.
I spent until I hit forty living in misery. Looking back on it, I had a good life. Nothing is much different today than then. It is more about how I cope with life or my out look. In my late thirties I felt like I had hit rock bottom. I was depressed and felt unfulfilled. As a matter of fact, I was so gloomy people use to remark all the time they did not understand why I was so unhappy with all the blessings I had. I do believe some of my inability to find joy was I have celiac disease that was not diagnosed. I just felt sick all the time. I seemed to peak after my second child was born. The disease became debilitating. I would spend weeks at a time in bed, with no really reason as to why I felt ill. As with all affairs in my life that become unmanageable, I started to pray.
I have shared before I am not a religious person, however I was raised in a religious setting. I had learned as a small child to pray. One thing I did know for sure, since birth, was there is a higher power. I never had that doubt. I remember being a child feeling and embracing the powers beyond what I could see. I could readily feel angels, spirit guides, or intuition with me at all times. In fact, I believe, during imaginary play, I had dialogues with my guides. I simply have memories of singing, dancing, playing and chattering away with a sense of joy and peace. Looking back, I could simply write it off as normal child’s play, but I believe today it was more than that.
I come from a family with highly developed in metaphysical gifts. My mother’s brother could remember his pass lives. As a child, he would remark, as traveling around their home town, of living in places before or the places he had been. He recently shared this story with our family once again. We kind of laugh about it together. His grandson, as a small child, talked to angels and departed souls. My mother has telepathic connections and physic knowings. I feel badly for her, because her physic knowings can be frightening. Once, she got very ill in church, physically ill. She closed her eyes and say the word death. The next day, she read in the newspaper four people had been killed at a four-way stop by the church at the time she felt ill. My oldest daughter shares the gifts of her mother and grandmother. Being so young, it often scares her to feel what she does. For example, she knew my father was going to pass several days before he did. She was with me and my mother during a surgery he had and his recovery. All had gone well, my daughter and I needed to return home, but I was going back to my hometown to help my mother once my dad was home recovering. The day before my dad was to come home he died suddenly of a heartache while in the hospital. As the story goes, the evening we left to go home, I could not get my daughter to leave the hospital. She kept telling me she did not want to leave him. In the hospital lobby she sobbed and sobbed, I could not get her leave. Finally, I told her we had to go home, but would return later that week to see him. I told her he would be fine. The truth is she knew. She later shared that she knew he was going to die. As you can see the family all share some kind of unearthly gifts. We never really talk about them and certainly do not embrace them. Since none of what we experience is rooted in logic we dismiss what happens.
My intuition is highly developed. I have a knowing about the outcome of events before they happen. I can see a clear picture of what will happen in a situation before it happens. By all rights, I have no idea how I know. Time and time again what I feel will happen does happens. It is not just tied to me, either. I can see these events in reference to others lives as well. As a young adult it was maddening to cope with this trait. I would get so angry being able to share what a person should do to avoid disaster and have my warnings ignored. Eventually, I stopped sharing what I knew. I would just quietly watch it unfold. I suppose with age I learned that everyone has to walk their own path. I started to simply use my intuition to guide myself and not others unless I was certain they wanted my knowledge. I had to learn how to cope with my gift in a way that I could be at peace and allow those around me to walk their own journey, even if I knew the path they took was going to be a hard lesson.
So back to my awakening…………I began to pray for an answer to my health issues. It took several years, but the knowledge of what to do came. That knowledge never came from a doctor either. Once I felt better it seemed my outlook on life improved a great deal. That is when I was able to embark on a spiritual journey of the truth. The truth of what was inside me. I started to eliminate any and all that was not serving me in a positive way. I learned to accept God’s plan and not fight His timing. In the simplest terms, I learned to let go. I let go of childhood hurts. I learned to forgive everyone that ever caused me pain. I came to realize that true joy came from forgiveness. You forgive for you not the other person.
All of this lead me to the last three years of my life. I was given an opportunity to love unconditionally, learn to be vulnerable with another soul is ways that are unimaginable and I had more awakens. I learned the importance of living in the moment. I learned that my plan is not God’s plan. The greatest lesson is I learned that if you love someone you set them free to walk his or her path. I also know with certainty, just because we walk different paths today, there is no universal law that says we will not walk a shared path ever again.
You might ask do you have a knowing about the outcome of this event. I absolutely do! It is curse to know the outcome and not see the clear path ahead of you. I will not share what I know will transpire. If I share it could alter the outcome of the experience. It is not my job to intervene in another soul’s journey unless I am called upon. Today, I have been clearly asked to leave. If and when I am invited back I will go graciously with an open heart. A heart that is healed and full of love. I need to have a heart healed heart full of love to move on with my own life as well. It does not serve me to be full of anger or upset. It makes no sense to be upset over God’s plan. It is like a small child throwing a tantrum because a parent does not give her or him what is desired. I trust the plan. I trust my truth. I am honest with myself today. If I could ever pass one piece of wisdom along in life it would be to find truth and honesty with yourself. It is the path to peace.