“I wish you would get angry” the words I heard from my therapist today. I have spent the rest of the day reflecting on that. I have reached deep inside to search for anger. I am wise enough to know that unexpressed anger can be fatal. Have I suppressed anger? Did I bury it? I have never been one to hide my anger ever in life, so this is a perplexing situation I find myself in today. My therapist said you should be angry with some issues in your life. I just think I spent so much of my life being angry I finally used it all up.
I do feel some other emotions, but anger is not one of them. I think in the last few weeks I just decided to stop being anger about anything that happens. I am not choosing to ignore life or live in denial. I just find if I feel angry it washes over me quickly so I can reach a place of understanding. My therapist says you give too much unconditional love. I thought about that too. On the surface, that looks like I am compromising my own values and self for another. Honestly, I give unconditional love, because it make me feel good. It took a lot of years for me to learn love makes me feel good and anger makes me feel bad. It is a very simple concept that took an enormous amount of time to learn. Honestly, I claim no responsibility in learning this either. Frankly, the anger was just taken from me. I am not sure I have the complete power to forgive on my own and release anger. After all, I certainly was not born with the skill. I believe it comes from a place of divine intervention.
I think you get to a point in life in which you ask yourself what it the point of carrying anger? If I have anger it gets in the way of loving others. It gets in the way of embracing the beauty of life. Anger only brings me true misery. Oh, I can make others miserable with my anger, but in the end, it poisons me.
I am going to be truthful, I have seen a lot of shit in my life, unfair shit, mean shit, nasty shit, selfish shit, rude shit, and angry shit. For me to hold upset and anger for these experiences just destroys my soul.
Truthfully, all the issues that bring anger have nothing to do with me. That is someone else’s fears and lack of ability to love.
So to my therapist, I would love to get angry, but I just don’t have it in me. At least not today and I hope not tomorrow. I would like to think that emotion is now quickly felt, passes and is replaced with compassion, empathy and love. It is the damnedest thing, in the middle of the darkest events, your emotional self grows the most. I guess in the past, I was too angry to grow. Today, I just accept life on life’s terms. Yesterday was a day like that. I should have been angry for a lot of reasons. When the shock wore off, I laughed at my situations.
Today I give thanks that I am all out of anger. Thank God I used it up. May you use your anger up and love too much…………it is fabulous when you get there!