“I Like You, Because You Are An Adult.”
That statement might be an odd one to hear given I have been an adult for quite some time. I remember the precise moment, I realize I was an adult. It was freshman year of college, all of sudden I was called a woman and not a girl. Now allow me to qualify, that was when society recognized me as adult. I actually did not become an adult women until decades later.
I spend most of my twenties and thirties not being emotionally mature at all. As always, I had men in my life that enable me to be somewhat of a spoiled princess. A hard character flaw to own, but the truth. I have had more than one soul mate in my life. I had been madly in love with an unavailable man. Yes, I was very much married, but life happens and we do not choice who we fall in love with in our journey. I spent the better part of 15 years being ashamed of myself, shouldering the judgment of my peers and myself. I just could not help myself I was crazy about him.
He was older, not by a lot, but enough to be wiser than me. He was my mentor, my best friend, and very briefly a lover. I was a spoiled rotten immature woman, never fully appreciating what he gave me and how he enriched my life. Frankly, I owe much of the woman I am today to how he cared for me and guided me. He encouraged me to pursue activities I would never dream I could do. I started my fitness journey with him. The day I found myself expecting unexpectedly he assured me I would be an amazing mom. For 15 years, we talked on the phone nearly everyday. He truly was the love of my life, so I thought. He promised we would always be friends. Then one day, he just simply got tired of my immature selfish behavior. In his defense, I would have left me far sooner than he did. When he left my world crumbled. I never made a move in life without his impute. I was alone for the first time, and I had not yet become the adult woman I should have been.
I hit rock bottom, as they say. The only thing I knew to do was begin praying. I simply prayed for peace and joy. It actually began to work. At the same time I started reading spiritually sights online. I began to realize how much I lacked positive energy. I began to mediate. I started my journey to being a mature soul.
I know he keeps an eye on me from a distance. I suppose that might feel a bit creepy, yet I feel it is not. It is like a teacher knowing about a student. I moved on from that relationship. I did make amends to him for how I was with him. From time to time we send a text to each other and he did reach out to me when my father passed. That is how I know he somehow knows what how I am.
As I had coffee with a new friend recently, the comment came, “I like you, because you are an adult.” A comment that seems humorous to me, seeing I had just shared the events and situation of my life as it is today. To me, my life looks like a hot mess. I am not at all where I had planned or wanted to be at age 46. This person’s reply was life is messy. What makes me an adult is how I handle it. Maybe my life is a hot mess, but that doesn’t mean I am a hot mess. I simply cope with what is place in front of me today. I have an amazing support system of friends and family, but I do not rely on anyone emotionally like I did in the past.
I often think of my friend, who protected me for so long. It might be a smile that comes across my face remembering a joke we shared. I even hear words of advice still from him. The greatest act of kindness he ever did for me was cut me free. I would never had become an adult woman if he had not. I believe we have many, many soul mates that drift in and out of our lives, at certain time, for certain reasons.
I use to see my life as tragic. It is not a “normal” life. It is not neat and tidy. It is messy. It could be considered a scandal on many levels. That is only in the eyes of society. Frankly, I have bigger lessons to master on my journey. My lessons do not fall into the expectations of society’s norms. My life never has and I have long abandoned the need for my life to do so. What I have learned is to never allow my lessons on my journey to hurt other souls. A skill I did not master earlier in life. Today, I would not be involved in such connections if others could be hurt by it. We grow, we learn and we do better when we know better. It is all we can really count on in life.