A Naked Heart
I had the privilege to share the day with a friend today. It was a day of completely being authentic. It was all honesty. I was given the opportunity to retell my story. It was a surreal experience of accounting my journey of the last 25 years. As I told her every last detail of my past, it felt as if I was describing the plot of a book or movie. I felt feelings I had long released. I began to remember aspects of me that I had forgotten. A reminder of the long journey I have made in personal growth.
I described how I released the pain of childhood. I call that pain the demons. The voices in my head that always whispered to me that I was not good enough. The voices that said I would never be good enough. I recounted the experience with the man who greatly impacted who I am today. How I was not emotionally mature enough to understand that relationship at the time. I was brutally honest that I was a spoiled, entitled princess with him. I behaved in ways that I have shame for today. He was my enabler for years to act out like a spoil child. I was not ready to accept unconditional love from him, because I did not love myself.
I told her how I learned to love myself, unconditionally. The process that took place inside of me, the self healing and quieting of the demons that told me I was not enough.
As the day unfold, I saw myself differently. I began it see her pain was once my pain. I began to understand every moment of suffering lead to sitting in her living room at that very moment. She looked at me with eyes full of hope. The hope that if I could thrive she can thrive. What started as a hopeless situation began to have hope. I shared normal is only a setting on the dryer. I live my life so far out of the box there is no box today. I always believed if my pain could only help one other soul my life was worth living.
I do not consider my story unique. I know everyone has a story full of pain. What I believe is unique about me is I have been called to teach others how become authentic in life. I have learned to not be afraid to walk my own journey. I long abandon the self hate, shame of bad decisions and guilt of being selfish. When we know better, we do better. I am not special by any means. I have simply been called to help others.
Today I revisited my journey. I opened my heart and bared my soul. I watched the miracle of that kind of honesty bring healing hope to another soul. This is my calling. God has a plan for me. I do not know what it really is, but I have faith He did not lead me to today without giving me the rest of the steps to follow.
I am still healing myself. I sit today and nurse a broken heart. Each day gets easier to accept what has happened. The acceptance is more of embracing a process or surrendering to a plan greater than mine. I know the last three years gave me the courage to be authentic. I practiced it with my love over and over again. They say the kind of love we share is meant to help mankind. It is not a love meant to be held hostage between the two souls. Every bit of what I experienced with him absolutely surfaced today. My healing is not complete. I am not emotionally ready to be in contact with him. I know that is difficult and perhaps painful for him, however I am not emotionally healthy yet. I operate today in a place of being by myself until I am ready to be spiritually fit with other souls. I operate in a world of that more will be revealed. Recently, it was revealed he loves me still and always will. I believe with love all things are possible. I never give up hope. I have seen the miracles of faith. My story is not over. It has just begun.