There is a process of grieving that goes with healing a broken heart. It has been five weeks now since my love and I separated. I have felt every emotion possible. I have felt anger, sadness, remorse, love, denial and acceptance. Given I have recently traveled through the stages of grief, with the passing of my dad, I am very intimate with how grief feels. When a relationship ends, it dies, just like a person.
You know you have ended the stages of grief when you can remember a loved one with a smile and not a tear. I can not take credit for this discovery. This nugget of wisdom came from my love. I have started to be able to remember without tears our relationship. There is an endless list of reasons to smile about the last three years. He is my best friend. We laughed ourselves silly at times. We cried in each others arms. We learned together, oh, how we learned together.
I made a great mistake in my life. I never expressed my gratitude to someone that shaped my life beyond imaginations. I never truly shared with him ever how he changed me for the better. Being younger, and immature, I was unable to admit I did not know stuff and how he was my knight in shining armor for so long.
I firmly believe today you must tell people how much they mean to you. Why wait until the end of movie to give the credits?
Today I share a love letter of sorts. The thoughts and feelings surrounding the transformation of my life in a way no other soul could possibly do is what my love has given me. The single thought that encompasses my experience with him is he woke up my soul. There is no one that has very pulled me out of my shell like he did. His grand energy that fills a room could over power a place. That energy destroyed the walls around my heart that had been build over the decades. Years upon years of hurt had laid brick after brick until my heart was fully protected. With one kiss, with one smile, and one joke that wall tumbled and shattered. It was terrifying and electric at the same time. I was too enthralled to let my fear rule me. I surrendered to him in every way. He knew my fear. He saw it in my eyes. He felt it in my body. He would simply tell me to have faith.
Faith is what I began to have. I needed faith each step of the way. As our love grew deeper and deeper, I needed more and more faith. I had never felt the protection with anyone I had with him. We adored each other. People would notice us out about and about. We glowed together. People would literally stop and comment about how we looked at each other or about a playful kiss. He literally rocked my world and he taught me to live.
It was not easy for him. I struggled with living in the moment. I struggle with relaxing into us. I struggled every bit of the way. My struggle came from my own wounded inner child. It came from a little girl afraid to trust love. For I knew love could hurt you. Love could destroy you. This love was scary. I was exposed. The walls were gone. The connection was overpowering.
Make no mistake about it, as I sat alone nursing a broken heart, what he taught me about life saved me many days. He worked with me so much to reach a point of serenity and peace in life that I knew what I had to do to keep from dying without him. The very person that had broken my heart gave me all I needed to know to save myself when he left. I am not sure how to even comprehend that. I knew what books to read. I knew how to breathe, how to meditate, how to pray, how to surrender my life to God and how to continue on without him. I was even called on to help another soul. I only knew how to help from all he had taught me.
I talked to my love today. We are both experiencing hitting our own unique rock bottoms. As I recounted a recent discovery about myself regarding sharing the appreciation or lack there of, I have for others enriching my life it struck me he has no idea what he has done for me. We say our relationship failed. It did not fail me. It completely served the purpose it was intended to do at that time.
Today we closed that chapter on our relationship. With the closure of one chapter we opened another. We decided to travel on a path together again. Not the same path, a different path. A new path that will allow us the ability to enjoy all we share positively together with a commitment to change the negative. I know in my heart it will be a perfect path to follow. He and I are no longer the same people that once had a relationship. We are forever changed. What remains today is an unbreakable bond. No one understands us. We don’t even understand us. We simply know what we feel. What should have broken that connection several times over did not begin to touch it. It is unmovable. It is not meant to be understood. It is meant to be felt. What is felt is meant to shared with others.