The Fear of Fear

fearI should know by now that life always gives me an introduction to what is coming next for me. Recently, I was stumbling upon articles related to fear. The topic focused on the root of all fears, as well as, how to conquer fears. I believe there was no mistake I saw several of these articles over the course of a week. Being unaware, at the time, that I was going to need this information in the near future, I causally read each article.

Like much of my life, I find myself in unexpected places, at unexpected times. I did not plan to revealing my greatest fear to a loved one, recently, yet I found myself placed right in the middle of just that. I had a rather introspective moment with a close friend coming on the heels of our 25th college reunion. As I shared the new found light regarding myself, I blurted it out…………my deepest fear!

I am not even certain I have ever shared my deepest, darkest fear with anyone. I think mostly, because I thought it was pretty clear what my source of insanity stems from in life. My loved one knows all the dirty details of scariest places in my mind, so I thought. As I revealed “I am afraid of being alone.” I could almost here the words echoing through out the world. Time stood still for me for a moment, as he replied, “You never told me that before.” My first thought was literally, “Shit!” Now I just gave away my fear that has plagued me since birth. Then panic set in as I realized what I had done! It was like the door flew open to the box where I keep all my darkness. I could not turn back now. To me it is somewhat ironic, because I have fear around my fear. Not only am I afraid to be alone in the world, I am afraid to admit that to anyone, most of all to the man I love. Here I stood watching that very fear just flew out into the universe. I paused and asked the all important question, “Do you think I am damaged?” He replied, “No. It is not damage, it is human.” He continued to explain how it shed light on events he did not understand surrounding me in the past. Now I wondered what crazy behaviors, thoughts or words had impacted my relationship with him all stemming from my demon. At that time, I realized this exchange had become a conversation better held in person and not via text. It seems my entire life unfolds in text messages these days. That is a whole other topic and issue. We later finished the conversation, in person, at with point I came to understand what he meant by it explained a lot.

I could write all about why I am afraid to be alone in life. That is another topic for another day. The point today is coping with fear. Not only am I afraid of being alone, I am afraid my very fear will land me in the very place I do not want to be. I realize all my fears are mostly irrational. Admitting my greatest fear left me with a sense of weakness or shame. The fear has completely ruled my life and destroyed it all in the same breath. I feared now it would ruin yet another relationship. I took a deep breath only to realize there was an air of peace, calm and stillness around this great revelation. I was not being judged, much to my relief. He did not turn around, running away screaming. He simply told me it makes sense. As he did not judge me, I stopped judging myself. I reflected on my fear of being alone in the world. Why have I felt this way my whole life? Do I cope with it well today? The simple act of admitting my fear set me free from it. I feel now it is okay to be afraid. I have embraced it. I have stopped irrational, otherwise called crazy, in my book, behaviors surrounding such a fear. The truth is what was such a source of anxiety actually helps my loved one understand what makes me tick. The most important thing is to admit the fear and become emotionally healthy surrounding it.

Did I do what the fear articles advised? I sure did! Did I set out to do it? There was no way I set out to address that fear! I never wanted to share my darkest demons with anyone. The powers to be sent me a storm warning. There were several watches, and warnings. It arrived like a tornado unleashing that door to where I store my vaulted feelings. I am on the other side of that now. The sun is shining today. The tornado destroyed an old belief, much like a tornado destroys a building. The time now is to rebuild.

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