Honesty

I took a long break from blogging.  It seems to me sometimes you have to take time to experience life before you actually have something to say about it.  So I have been busy experiencing life over the last nine months.

The last time I was blogging I was coping with a devastating separation from my love.  I stopped writing when we decided to start again.  It was months of confusion for me.  I find it very difficult to sound remotely wise in the face of personal confusion. I chose to retreat into myself for personal growth.  Personal growth is certainly what happened. It is difficult for me to put into words what that growth entailed.

I knew from day one the connection I have with this person is unlike any other I have ever known. In fact, I am not sure I know anyone, in real life, that has this kind of relationship. Perhaps I have read books or seen movies of epic love affairs that resemble this kind of connection. Although, in fantasy, these connections look so appealing, in real life it can be terrifying.  It is a relationship that demand honesty.  I am not speaking of honesty as in not telling a lie. I am speaking of soul honesty with yourself. I have learned that is the most frightening honesty of all!

I believe nothing in life happens without reasons. Lately, all the well-being sites I follow have featured articles regarding emotional healthy relationships.  I mean day after day new articles on the same topic would appear. I took it as a sign I should pay attention. God knows I can use all the help I can to participate in emotionally sound relationship. One trait of long-lasting, emotional healthy relationships is honesty.  I began to really reflect on that. Am I honest with my love? Am I honest with people, in general? Sure, I am. I don’t tell lies.  That is one kind of honesty, yet am I honest with myself? It occurred to me that in a relationships, especially the kind I share with my love, there is no room for pretending. The nature of the connection has an odd ability to flush out the lack of the truth.

Now I can not explain this. I can simply share  what happens.  I can best describe that there is a quiet knowing between us of what the truth is.  Let me say, the norm is to have your own quiet retreat, in which your thoughts and feelings belong to you.  In this relationship, we are in each others heads, as much as our own.  Yes, it freak us out!  What we learned is we might know the truth of each other, but it is up to each of us of to come to terms with our truths, individually. So we patiently or not so patiently wait for each other to come around in our own time.  When we forced each other to deal with the truth in was a recipe for disaster. It landed us in a place of misery that we had no idea how to navigate in to find  happiness, again.

Now, I knew all along I was not honest with him. It was not, because I did not want to be honest. I was being honest to best of my ability. After all, I was not even honest with myself.  My lack of personal deceit was rooted in the person I create to fit in the world around me. My soul, the soul I lived by as a child morphed into something to please the world around me. The truth is my level of sensitivity, empathy, honesty and intuition make people very uncomfortable.  So I developed a version of myself that was not authentically me, but it sure did make other people feel better.  The thing is the connection I have with my love already knows my soul, perhaps better than me.  So I am not fooling anyone and the relationship is destroyed, because I am not my honest and true self.

It took months of deep breaths and over coming fear to reveal to him my authentic self.  I did it little by little, testing the waters, that my soul would not be rejected as it has been most of my life.  Much to my surprise and joy, I was not rejected. My honesty was welcomed with love and understanding.  It was finally safe to be me for the first time in my life.  It has been liberating and terrifying.  I have a long way to go yet.

He has his journey. I have my journey. What I have found is a safe place to journey together,  a traveling mate of sorts.  Today, I practice honest in my journey. I practice honesty with myself.  I suspect that is the most important honesty you can have for without it you can never be truly honest with anyone.