Honesty

I took a long break from blogging.  It seems to me sometimes you have to take time to experience life before you actually have something to say about it.  So I have been busy experiencing life over the last nine months.

The last time I was blogging I was coping with a devastating separation from my love.  I stopped writing when we decided to start again.  It was months of confusion for me.  I find it very difficult to sound remotely wise in the face of personal confusion. I chose to retreat into myself for personal growth.  Personal growth is certainly what happened. It is difficult for me to put into words what that growth entailed.

I knew from day one the connection I have with this person is unlike any other I have ever known. In fact, I am not sure I know anyone, in real life, that has this kind of relationship. Perhaps I have read books or seen movies of epic love affairs that resemble this kind of connection. Although, in fantasy, these connections look so appealing, in real life it can be terrifying.  It is a relationship that demand honesty.  I am not speaking of honesty as in not telling a lie. I am speaking of soul honesty with yourself. I have learned that is the most frightening honesty of all!

I believe nothing in life happens without reasons. Lately, all the well-being sites I follow have featured articles regarding emotional healthy relationships.  I mean day after day new articles on the same topic would appear. I took it as a sign I should pay attention. God knows I can use all the help I can to participate in emotionally sound relationship. One trait of long-lasting, emotional healthy relationships is honesty.  I began to really reflect on that. Am I honest with my love? Am I honest with people, in general? Sure, I am. I don’t tell lies.  That is one kind of honesty, yet am I honest with myself? It occurred to me that in a relationships, especially the kind I share with my love, there is no room for pretending. The nature of the connection has an odd ability to flush out the lack of the truth.

Now I can not explain this. I can simply share  what happens.  I can best describe that there is a quiet knowing between us of what the truth is.  Let me say, the norm is to have your own quiet retreat, in which your thoughts and feelings belong to you.  In this relationship, we are in each others heads, as much as our own.  Yes, it freak us out!  What we learned is we might know the truth of each other, but it is up to each of us of to come to terms with our truths, individually. So we patiently or not so patiently wait for each other to come around in our own time.  When we forced each other to deal with the truth in was a recipe for disaster. It landed us in a place of misery that we had no idea how to navigate in to find  happiness, again.

Now, I knew all along I was not honest with him. It was not, because I did not want to be honest. I was being honest to best of my ability. After all, I was not even honest with myself.  My lack of personal deceit was rooted in the person I create to fit in the world around me. My soul, the soul I lived by as a child morphed into something to please the world around me. The truth is my level of sensitivity, empathy, honesty and intuition make people very uncomfortable.  So I developed a version of myself that was not authentically me, but it sure did make other people feel better.  The thing is the connection I have with my love already knows my soul, perhaps better than me.  So I am not fooling anyone and the relationship is destroyed, because I am not my honest and true self.

It took months of deep breaths and over coming fear to reveal to him my authentic self.  I did it little by little, testing the waters, that my soul would not be rejected as it has been most of my life.  Much to my surprise and joy, I was not rejected. My honesty was welcomed with love and understanding.  It was finally safe to be me for the first time in my life.  It has been liberating and terrifying.  I have a long way to go yet.

He has his journey. I have my journey. What I have found is a safe place to journey together,  a traveling mate of sorts.  Today, I practice honest in my journey. I practice honesty with myself.  I suspect that is the most important honesty you can have for without it you can never be truly honest with anyone.

 

 

Why Wait?

Why Wait?

There is a process of grieving that goes with healing a broken heart. It has been five weeks now since my love and I separated. I have felt every emotion possible. I have felt anger, sadness, remorse, love, denial and acceptance. Given I have recently traveled through the stages of grief, with the passing of my dad, I am very intimate with how grief feels. When a relationship ends, it dies, just like a person.

You know you have ended the stages of grief when you can remember a loved one with a smile and not a tear. I can not take credit for this discovery. This nugget of wisdom came from my love. I have started to be able to remember without tears our relationship. There is an endless list of reasons to smile about the last three years. He is my best friend. We laughed ourselves silly at times. We cried in each others arms. We learned together, oh, how we learned together.

I made a great mistake in my life. I never expressed my gratitude to someone that shaped my life beyond imaginations. I never truly shared with him ever how he changed me for the better. Being younger, and immature, I was unable to admit I did not know stuff and how he was my knight in shining armor for so long.

I firmly believe today you must tell people how much they mean to you. Why wait until the end of movie to give the credits?

Today I share a love letter of sorts. The thoughts and feelings surrounding the transformation of my life in a way no other soul could possibly do is what my love has given me. The single thought that encompasses my experience with him is he woke up my soul. There is no one that has very pulled me out of my shell like he did. His grand energy that fills a room could over power a place. That energy destroyed the walls around my heart that had been build over the decades. Years upon years of hurt had laid brick after brick until my heart was fully protected. With one kiss, with one smile, and one joke that wall tumbled and shattered. It was terrifying and electric at the same time. I was too enthralled to let my fear rule me. I surrendered to him in every way. He knew my fear. He saw it in my eyes. He felt it in my body. He would simply tell me to have faith.

Faith is what I began to have. I needed faith each step of the way. As our love grew deeper and deeper, I needed more and more faith. I had never felt the protection with anyone I had with him. We adored each other. People would notice us out about and about. We glowed together. People would literally stop and comment about how we looked at each other or about a playful kiss. He literally rocked my world and he taught me to live.

It was not easy for him. I struggled with living in the moment. I struggle with relaxing into us. I struggled every bit of the way. My struggle came from my own wounded inner child. It came from a little girl afraid to trust love. For I knew love could hurt you. Love could destroy you. This love was scary. I was exposed. The walls were gone. The connection was overpowering.

Make no mistake about it, as I sat alone nursing a broken heart, what he taught me about life saved me many days. He worked with me so much to reach a point of serenity and peace in life that I knew what I had to do to keep from dying without him. The very person that had broken my heart gave me all I needed to know to save myself when he left. I am not sure how to even comprehend that. I knew what books to read. I knew how to breathe, how to meditate, how to pray, how to surrender my life to God and how to continue on without him. I was even called on to help another soul. I only knew how to help from all he had taught me.

I talked to my love today. We are both experiencing hitting our own unique rock bottoms. As I recounted a recent discovery about myself regarding sharing the appreciation or lack there of, I have for others enriching my life it struck me he has no idea what he has done for me. We say our relationship failed. It did not fail me. It completely served the purpose it was intended to do at that time.

Today we closed that chapter on our relationship. With the closure of one chapter we opened another. We decided to travel on a path together again. Not the same path, a different path. A new path that will allow us the ability to enjoy all we share positively together with a commitment to change the negative. I know in my heart it will be a perfect path to follow. He and I are no longer the same people that once had a relationship. We are forever changed. What remains today is an unbreakable bond. No one understands us. We don’t even understand us. We simply know what we feel. What should have broken that connection several times over did not begin to touch it. It is unmovable. It is not meant to be understood. It is meant to be felt. What is felt is meant to shared with others.

The Sign

I find if I quietly wait, and ask God for answers or directions they always come to me. The key is to know what to look for around you. There is nothing placed in your path or pain view that was not intended to be clue to the next step in life. Some of the signs are subtle and some are profound. It is as if life is a giant game. Each step of the way you need to roll the dice or spin the wheel to find out how to progress to the end of the game. Along the way you see clues to how to proceed next in your life. I have found the messages come from all kinds of sources.

I live my life fully aware of all around me. Higher messages from God come from people, nature or just subtle feelings. I find myself in never ending doubt of my own intuition. Even though, I have been blessed with a keen sense within myself, an inner knowing of how I should proceed in life, if I do not see it manifesting around me I begin to have self doubt and fear. The truth is I know before I can actually see the manifestation before me. You would think having a gift like this since birth and endless validations that my keen sense never fails me would be enough. Yet, I live in doubt of my own gifts.

I always speech about not knowing how matters will proceed or end up. It is true when I am confused, hurt, tired, or lost I do not know. My radar is down. At these times I pray for guidance. If I can get to a place of peace, God always shows me the way. Given the last week, last year or last three years have been horribly challenging I find myself in continuous prayer. If I am present God always delivers a sign for the next right step. You can only see the messages if you are very aware and do not dismiss something that catches your eye. The simple fact you have your attention draw to a person, part of nature or feeling is a way God is speaking to you.

I happen to know how my situation will end up with my love. I know already. It has not, yet even transpired. How do I know? First, I know from a gut feeling. Of course, since I already said I doubt my own God given gift that is not enough. God, being patience as He is with his children, then presents more information that
seems more concrete. In this case, I have been so lost in my own guidance system He has not once, twice or three times sent me the same message from different people, but He has given the same message to me five times. At first, I thought the message was coming from well meaning people that hated to see me in pain. Finally, after the fifth person delivered the same exact, almost word for word dialogue I paused to realize this meant something. I began to think this is not people giving me words I want to hear, it is words they believe about my life, an outcome they see. Ironically, following this light bulb moment, I came upon an article that supported the information I was receiving. I am not going to disclose what I have learned. I will simply say, time is of the essence here. That my life is unfolding on God’s timeline and not mine.

It would be really nice if I had more faith in myself and God for that matter. I am still learning that in fear I panic. As my therapist say, when we are stressed we regress. I believe that with all my heart. Until I reach a new level of faith in myself, at least I can know for sure God will keep sending me the support to know what is the next step or at least knowledge of what will happen eventually. The most important thing right now is I must focus on self. It is easy to loss a sense of self in a deep emotional soul connection. I must focus on my true purpose here for awhile. Once I reestablish my purpose the pieces of the puzzle will fall into place.

The Truth Appears In Your Sleep

I know I will be ok, but I am tired of having to be ok. In the last three years, my husband was diagnosed with bi-polar disease, my dad got sick and passed, my mom had cancer and my love broke up with two separate time. I am tired of having to figure how to be ok in the mist of so much.

They say God gives you what you can handle. I have no great words of wisdom from the journey of the last three years. I do know I have made peace with many I was having conflict with for decades. All the karma I had to clear to be at peace has happened. The one person that helped me clear my baggage has left. The only problem with that is I now share baggage with him.

I had a very bizarre dream last night. A dream I have never had. I was eating glass. As I spit out the glass my husband was frantically trying to piece the small bottle, that had been in my mouth back together. Parts of the bottle were missing. I had swallowed glass. I search the meaning of the dream. What it said frightened me. The meaning is that of fragility. It is the psyche working out oppressed feelings in your life. The meaning indicates a serious emotional issue. It is not surprising after the three years I have had I feel fragile. I feel like ever inch of my soul has been exposed and all my nerves are uncovered. It has reached such limit that my sleeping state must clear what my reality has become. The laughable part is I have not really been sleeping at all, when I do my psyche is house cleaning.

Now that I know what my head does on the pillow, I am beginning to question am I really ok? Do we say we are ok, because we wish it so? Maybe I say I am ok, because I want others to not be concerned. I don’t want to be the person that is not ok. I am trying to pick up the pieces of the last week. I need to start a new chapter in my life. I am meeting new people. I know I am eating glass in my sleep. I cringe at the thought. The truth is new friends do not want to know your life circumstances are such that you struggle every day to be ok.

I count my blessings each day. For I know things could be much worse and I have so much. The question is does my own mind believe it. The truth appears in your sleep.

I Was Bad.

I have been blessed to have many people reach out to me during this time of pain. One person said to me, please don’t stop writing. Your words are helping me. It has always been my intent to take all my experiences in life, both good and bad, and share. After all I have gained wisdom from walking my path.

It is difficult to share today. It has not been easy to share about my life at all. When you are in pain, you want to just curl up and die. I realized the sooner I confront my pain the sooner I can release it into the hands of God to heal. I had a bad moment yesterday. I did not behave in a way I normally do. I acted out in a way that makes me feel shameful. Worst of all, I hurt someone I love beyond reason.

The stress of the separation has been overwhelmingly full of pain, exhaustion and pure misery. The level of unconditional love that was being asked of me, become too much for me to bare. Unfortunately, I did not have a grasp of my feelings or time to gather myself to act in a healthy way. My pain that had been building, out of control. for newly a week, came pouring out of me. That pain slapped my love right in the face. It doesn’t really matter what he said that made me snap to acted in a way that would be featured on a reality show. The fact is I did not stay true to the best version of myself. Most people say that happens. We are human. He deserves it after what he has done to you. The truth is no matter what he has or has not done, there is no excuse for my lashing out.

The end result was him declaring he does not want to see me. He stated that he needed that moment to validate he made the right decisions to separate. I apologized several times for my actions. As I reflect, I understand that the event happened for a reason. We were not going to be able to do what we wanted to do or or maybe I could not do what he wanted to do. As much as I wanted to remain apart of his life right now while he saw other women, in the end, I just could not do it. Instead of really thinking about what I could do or not do, my anger and pain became apparent. I reached the end of my rope, pushed over the edge, or hit my boiling point. None of these excuse my action of lashing out at someone that was doing his best to make this difficult time easier for me. The truth is you can not get comfort from the one that is hurting you. That becomes a game of insanity. I was on the crazy train heading for derailment. I do feel all his actions have been from the highest place of love for me. Although, I believe he has blind spots in understanding how greatly the whole ordeal has destroyed my very soul.

After this event, we parted ways, but first, he said, “I will always love you”. I do believe that, just as I will always love him. I think that is why I am so upset that I was not able to be loving towards him yesterday. The truth is I do love him and I caused him pain. Until that very moment, I had not caused him pain. I have hope when the dust settles we can truly be friends again. I just think it is too hard for me right now. I hope in time he will forgive me for yesterday. As horrible as it was, I know it was in the plan. God saw me breaking. It truly was a moment I needed to take back my power. In loving him so much, I had lost myself. I wish I could have taken my power back in a kind way. Yet, more spiritual growing for me in the future.

The reality is he and I both have more emotional growth to do in life. The deep emotional connection, that we both validate, can not survive in the face of ego. Maybe the separation is so we can grow individually and later enjoy the gift God gave us as a couple again. Maybe the separation is forever, because one or both will never reach emotional maturity. I do not have that answer. Only God knows that answer. Right now God is saying you are both not ready for what I gave you. He is taking it away until we appreciate the deep, unconditional love we share in a healthy way.

The Throw Away Woman

There has not been a single man I was in love with that has not thrown me away. Those words sound harsh or full of self-pity, but for lack of a better term, I am the throw away woman. I know everyone experience rejection in life. The astonishing experience in my life is I have never been not broken up with in all my relationships. The next question would be what is wrong with this woman? Clearly, if no man could find her a suitable partner she must be broken. I believed that for a long time about myself.

Finally, after my marriage had ended emotionally, at age 43, I decided it was time for learn what is wrong with me. After all, I spend my whole life hearing the problems were with me. I bravely started seeing a therapist. I had reached a time in my life were I was ready to face all the issues that those around me found intolerable. I was ready to learn, listen and work to be a better version of me. What I learned was of complete shock to me. There is absolutely nothing wrong with me. As a matter of fact, I am deemed to be in better emotional health than most people. I looked at my therapist in disbelief. That is impossible. Everyone says I am crazy. From that day on we explored the relationships I have in my life and exactly the issues that existed. Ironically, my responsibility was to learn coping tools for those around me. Sadly, I am surrounded by many that are not as emotionally healthy as me that resulted in my experiences.

At the time, I started therapy, I had just met my love. Right before I met him, I had resided myself to the fact some women just did not get to experience love like I envisioned. I was completely ready to let go of the romantic notions that I held about love. I had decided I could live a full life without a romantic partner. He changed how I felt. The walls around my heart came down to allow me to pour all the love I am into him. Parts of me that I thought had long died woke up during this time. I began to dream again of a future. I saw the possibility that it was not too late for a life filled with a lover, friend, and companion. I was overjoyed. Yes, it seemed like to take a long time, lots of sorrow and heartbreak, but my time had come.

As I share these thoughts I find myself once again as the throw away woman. Yet, this time, it is somehow different. In the past, I could look back and see how I handled myself or why the relationship did not work. Previously, I had not been willing to look so deeply into myself. My old self spent a lot of time defending my character flaws. This time, as painful as it was, I embraced my flaws for understanding and growth. I pushed myself to be the best version of myself. I was a student of life. I learned how to heal and understand my past pain. I learned to forgive others for the role they played in my life. I forgave myself. During this relationship I took responsibility for me. I did not blame him or look to him for my happiness. He made me happy, but that was my responsibility to care for my own well being.

As I struggle with the pain of rejection once more, I realize it is not my fault I can not find lasting love. Maybe love is not meant to last. Maybe love is not meant to last for me. Maybe the love ending all these times have little to do with me. The truth this time is I do not know why it did not work. I just know I left it all on the field this time. I made my mind up this time I was not going to have regret. I was not going to play the game that I should have done it differently. This time I walk away knowing I gave the best I have to give. That just has to be enough. Like objects that break, so do relationships. So times things stop working for no real reason. The object just breaks and we throw it away. Maybe for all of us throw away women we are not the broken ones. Maybe, just maybe, the relationship broke.

Ironically, in each case, except one, I had the other person contact after the break up. It has always been the same conversation. He always says I made a mistake breaking up with you. He says you are an amazing person. I hear I miss you. I need you in my life. You are the best woman I ever met. I have never returned to any of those relationships after the conversations. I am kind and grateful for the validation is was not my fault the relationship broke. I am far beyond playing the blame game in life. People are flawed and imperfect. Relationships are made of up of people. Some imperfections in life can be beautiful and thrive. The imperfections of my relationships could not thrive. Maybe that is due to a different points of view of how a relationship looks. It looks flawed, it looks imperfect, because it is. There is beauty in the imperfect, but some are blind to that. They search and search for the perfect relationship and the perfect partner. There is no such thing. It is an illusion, because nothing is perfect in this world. God made us beautifully imperfect. I just can’t find the man who shares my understanding. So until I do, I will remain the throw away woman.

The Throw Away Woman

There has not been a single man I was in love with that has not thrown me away. Those words sound harsh or full of self-pity, but for lack of a better term, I am the throw away woman. I know everyone experience rejection in life. The astonishing experience in my life is I have never been not broken up with in all my relationships. The next question would be what is wrong with this woman? Clearly, if no man could find her a suitable partner she must be broken. I believed that for a long time about myself.

Finally, after my marriage had ended emotionally, at age 43, I decided it was time for learn what is wrong with me. After all, I spend my whole life hearing the problems were with me. I bravely started seeing a therapist. I had reached a time in my life were I was ready to face all the issues that those around me found intolerable. I was ready to learn, listen and work to be a better version of me. What I learned was of complete shock to me. There is absolutely nothing wrong with me. As a matter of fact, I am deemed to be in better emotional health than most people. I looked at my therapist in disbelief. That is impossible. Everyone says I am crazy. From that day on we explored the relationships I have in my life and exactly the issues that existed. Ironically, my responsibility was to learn coping tools for those around me. Sadly, I am surrounded by many that are not as emotionally healthy as me that resulted in my experiences.

At the time, I started therapy, I had just met my love. Right before I met him, I had resided myself to the fact some women just did not get to experience love like I envisioned. I was completely ready to let go of the romantic notions that I held about love. I had decided I could live a full life without a romantic partner. He changed how I felt. The walls around my heart came down to allow me to pour all the love I am into him. Parts of me that I thought had long died woke up during this time. I began to dream again of a future. I saw the possibility that it was not too late for a life filled with a lover, friend, and companion. I was overjoyed. Yes, it seemed like to took a long time, lots of sorrow and heartbreak, but my time had come.

As I share these thoughts I find myself once again as the throw away woman. Yet, this time, it is somehow different. In the past, I could look back and see how I handled myself or why the relationship did not work. Previously, I had not been willing to look so deeply into myself. My old self spends a lot of time defending my character flaws. This time, as painful as it was, I embraced my flaws for understanding and growth. I pushed myself to be the best version of myself. I was a student of life. I learned how to heal and understand my past pain. I learned to forgive others for the role they played in my life. I forgave myself. During this relationship I took responsibility for me. I did not blame him or look to him for my happiness. He made me happy, but that was my responsibility to care for my own well being.

As I struggle with the pain of rejection once more, I realize it is not my fault I can not find lasting love. Maybe love is not meant to last. Maybe love is not meant to last for me. Maybe the love ending all these times have little to do with me. The truth this time is I do not know why it did not work. I just know I left it all on the field this time. I made my mind up this time I was not going to have regret. I was not going to play the game that I should have done it differently. This time I walk away knowing I gave the best I have to give. That just has to be enough. Like objects that break, so do relationships. So times things stop working for no real reason. The object just breaks and we throw it away. Maybe for all of us throw away women we are not the broken ones. Maybe, just maybe, the relationship broke.

Ironically, in each case, except one, I had the other person contact after the break up. It has always been the same conversation. He always says I made a mistake breaking up with you. He says you are an amazing person. I hear I miss you. I need you in my life. You are the best woman I ever met. I have never returned to any of those relationships after the conversations. I am kind and grateful for the validation is was not my fault the relationship broke. I am far beyond playing the blame game in life. People are flawed and imperfect. Relationships are made of up of people. Some imperfections in life can be beautiful and thrive. The imperfections of my relationships could not thrive. Maybe that is due to a different points of view of how a relationship looks. It looks flawed, it looks imperfect, because it is. There is beauty in the imperfect, but some are blind to that. They search and search for the perfect relationship and the perfect partner. There is no such thing. It is an illusion, because nothing is perfect in this world. God made us beautifully imperfect. I just can’t find the man who shares my understanding. So until I do, I will remain the throw away woman.

Being Naked

There is nothing more scary than being emotionally naked and exposed. That is exactly where I found myself today. Not only emotionally nude in front of my love, but the entire world.

I thought I understood love. After all, I had gotten married, had babies and owned pets, all of which are different levels of love. Nothing could have prepared me for the roller coaster I rode in love with my love. There is nothing like soul connection love. It is close to the kind of love you feel for your child, but it different. Soul love is rooted in seeing yourself in the other person. All acts of aggression or love impact you as deeply as it impacts your mate. He is everything I ever dreamed of in a person. He was exactly on the same path of emotional growth as me. We share the love of healthy living, and the same sense of humor. We are matched on so many levels it not imaginable. I have always said if I knew him in kindergarten he would have been my friend. We would play in the sand box and swings together. The connection is unable to be explained. At times, we would be texting each other the same messages nearly word for word. It was like being with yourself, but in a different body.
The kind of love that comes with such a connection is unconditional love. It forces the two souls to deal with the ugly, dirty, and darkest parts of the beings. Nothing remains hidden and the experience is terrifying. Given I am a strong woman who wears an outside shell-like armor, good luck breaking down the walls to my heart. It became apparent very quickly if this love was to mature and last that is exactly what had to happen.

I was not born wearing a turtle shell. As a matter of fact, my poor mother did not know how to deal with me. I am so empathic to the world around me feeling all the pain, I had to build walls to survive. As life happened, the more strength I gained, thicker the armor became and the walls around my heart were erected. Given my love and I do nothing independently, including being born less than 24 hours apart, we embarked on personal crisis about three years before we met. He had his own rock bottom, one that most people never experience that included a spiritual awakening. I, too, had a spiritual awakening during the same time. Our lives nearly parallel each others. Even though we had grown up in different states, I had visited his home town when I was teenager and he had been within miles of me during our college years. By the time we met, we were both on similar paths and many hurts of our earlier life experience were in the process of healing.

The big injuries we both carried had been dealt with before we met. It was that fact that allowed us to even match up. Both had embarked on a life of spiritual well-being, sound body and mind at that point. However, soul connection bonds require so much more. Of course, this meeting was not perfectly time, well, it was God’s perfect time, just not on paper. Engrossed in establishing a new way of life for my family, while engaging in this new kind of love my father fell ill and died suddenly. In the process of grieving, doing soul growth work was not the best timing. I have long learned not to question God’s plan. I know better to fight His plan. So as I grasped to accept the death of my father I was also being forced to shed all my armor that protected my heart to my love. The love connection demanded a complete abandonment of self, with honesty and lack of judgement. Every time I felt I had completed a task of soul growth another challenge appeared. Of course, God gives us free will, but I knew it was now or later so I just picked now. The funny thing is none of this took place in plain sight. On the surface, it appeared to be petty drama and conflict. My first reaction was always to roll my eyes, because that is what your ego does. I knew deep inside the drama was present, because of character flaws I must address. My love felt my energy just as I knew his. I could run from him, but never hide. Last August, on the heels of my dad’s death, the last of the walls around my heart had to fall. Facing a list of character flaws that were damaging our relationship, I dredged off to therapy and started using tools of recovery to address growing in a home with alcoholism. What I ended up with six months later is a soul cleansing. The last of the walls around my heart fell and my outer shell layers thinner. Now is where the happy ending should arrive, but that is not the case. Standing completely emotionally unprotected with my heart exposed, my love has disconnected from the relationship. I will never speak ill of him. He has given me the greatest gift in forcing me to heal at the soul level. I am not even certain he truly understand the profound impact the relationship has had on me. It is not something easily observed. Only subtle personality traits reflect the profound change within me. I suspect the only way he would ever know what this has done would be to read these words.

I have learned to live only in the moment for it is all we have. I am not certain if our story has ended or this is just another chapter in the book. I do know I stand before God and the world completely naked today, emotionally exposed waiting of the next clear step. As the saying goes………….more will be revealed.

If My Story Can Help Only One Soul My Suffer Was Not In Vain

My life situation is very unique. As I tell my story it seem surreal, as if I am a character in a play. Nearly three years ago, my husband was diagnosed with bi-polar disease. We had met in college, fell in love and married. We had two beautiful children, but the marriage was never easy. Of course, with the bi-polar diagnosis all the issues became crystal clear. The disease is a progressive one and the man I fell in love with was no longer present. He had shared with me he no longer wanted to be married and was not interested in an emotional connection with me. Given all the challenges that go along with this disease, and with the guidance of a professional we developed a plan that worked for our unique situation. We remained married, but separated. My husband needs the support of his family to cope with the disease. It was the right choice to keep the family together for many reasons. Although it is a paradigm that is difficult for others to understand or accept, it has worked for our family. Today my husband disease is managed. Our children are thriving. I am able to have my emotional needs met with this arrangement. Once again, I stepped out of the box, considered the bigger picture for all and made choice that allowed everyone to be safe and loved.

At this very time, I met my love. I will call him my love, because that is the best word for him. We came to each other with a hot mess of issues on both sides. Somehow, without a doubt, we unconditionally accepted each other and our difficult situations. The love was apparent from day one. Until now I was ashamed to admit that. It sounded crazy. Actually the entire experience was riddled with crazy. The interaction was that of a romance novel material and frankly, I do not believe in that crap. It is kind of like not believing in ghost. You are a non believer until you have an encounter then you believe. Together we embarked on a journey filled with personal crisis on both sides. Looking back, it was a miracle the relationship even happened given that most people would run from such drama. Yet, we were drawn together. In time I will explain why the draw was there. Of course, everyone is placed in a your life for a reason. The reasons are very clear today.

The reason I believe this story is worth sharing is that if was a journey of personal growth of healing for me. This relationship allowed for healing from an abusive childhood, and marriage. It is a story that deals with difficult topics like alcoholism and mental illness. I will share, throughout this journey, I have been guided by a therapist. I do not recommend tackling issues like mental illness, mental abuse and alcoholism without the support of a mental health professional. I certainly do not feel I am an expert in these areas. This is not about getting advice on those topics. This is the story of how one woman survived. If my story can help only one soul, then my suffer was not in vain.