Honesty

I took a long break from blogging.  It seems to me sometimes you have to take time to experience life before you actually have something to say about it.  So I have been busy experiencing life over the last nine months.

The last time I was blogging I was coping with a devastating separation from my love.  I stopped writing when we decided to start again.  It was months of confusion for me.  I find it very difficult to sound remotely wise in the face of personal confusion. I chose to retreat into myself for personal growth.  Personal growth is certainly what happened. It is difficult for me to put into words what that growth entailed.

I knew from day one the connection I have with this person is unlike any other I have ever known. In fact, I am not sure I know anyone, in real life, that has this kind of relationship. Perhaps I have read books or seen movies of epic love affairs that resemble this kind of connection. Although, in fantasy, these connections look so appealing, in real life it can be terrifying.  It is a relationship that demand honesty.  I am not speaking of honesty as in not telling a lie. I am speaking of soul honesty with yourself. I have learned that is the most frightening honesty of all!

I believe nothing in life happens without reasons. Lately, all the well-being sites I follow have featured articles regarding emotional healthy relationships.  I mean day after day new articles on the same topic would appear. I took it as a sign I should pay attention. God knows I can use all the help I can to participate in emotionally sound relationship. One trait of long-lasting, emotional healthy relationships is honesty.  I began to really reflect on that. Am I honest with my love? Am I honest with people, in general? Sure, I am. I don’t tell lies.  That is one kind of honesty, yet am I honest with myself? It occurred to me that in a relationships, especially the kind I share with my love, there is no room for pretending. The nature of the connection has an odd ability to flush out the lack of the truth.

Now I can not explain this. I can simply share  what happens.  I can best describe that there is a quiet knowing between us of what the truth is.  Let me say, the norm is to have your own quiet retreat, in which your thoughts and feelings belong to you.  In this relationship, we are in each others heads, as much as our own.  Yes, it freak us out!  What we learned is we might know the truth of each other, but it is up to each of us of to come to terms with our truths, individually. So we patiently or not so patiently wait for each other to come around in our own time.  When we forced each other to deal with the truth in was a recipe for disaster. It landed us in a place of misery that we had no idea how to navigate in to find  happiness, again.

Now, I knew all along I was not honest with him. It was not, because I did not want to be honest. I was being honest to best of my ability. After all, I was not even honest with myself.  My lack of personal deceit was rooted in the person I create to fit in the world around me. My soul, the soul I lived by as a child morphed into something to please the world around me. The truth is my level of sensitivity, empathy, honesty and intuition make people very uncomfortable.  So I developed a version of myself that was not authentically me, but it sure did make other people feel better.  The thing is the connection I have with my love already knows my soul, perhaps better than me.  So I am not fooling anyone and the relationship is destroyed, because I am not my honest and true self.

It took months of deep breaths and over coming fear to reveal to him my authentic self.  I did it little by little, testing the waters, that my soul would not be rejected as it has been most of my life.  Much to my surprise and joy, I was not rejected. My honesty was welcomed with love and understanding.  It was finally safe to be me for the first time in my life.  It has been liberating and terrifying.  I have a long way to go yet.

He has his journey. I have my journey. What I have found is a safe place to journey together,  a traveling mate of sorts.  Today, I practice honest in my journey. I practice honesty with myself.  I suspect that is the most important honesty you can have for without it you can never be truly honest with anyone.

 

 

“Love Should Not Hurt This Much”

Love Should Not Hurt This Much…………the words a friend shared with me today. I quietly ponder that statement. It is true we all think that love hurts. I mean after all we suffer the pain of broken hearts. Who has not felt the torture of loving another without shedding a tear? As a collective, we believe love hurts.

The truth is love does not hurt. Love is pure joy. If you are in a moment of love there is no pain. So where does the love hurt belief come from in life? The answer is fear. The fact that love feels so amazing leads us to a state of panic of the lost of that love. Now losing love is real! The irony is we can become so afraid of losing love that we actually drive our fear to destroy the very love we so desire.

I am involved in the greatest love experience of my life. I can honestly say every challenge between us is fear driven. I can say with full confidence between the two of us we may have experienced every fear people can have while being in love. The list is endless. The fears are real, in our own minds. Every last one of the fears is rooted in losing that love or the pain that comes with the lost of it. The very love we so desire, so cherish and so want to experience together is riddled with being afraid of living without it.

So the answer should be easy, just simply focus on the love. That is exactly the right medicine for this situation. The greatest catch in all of this is to remember that. Those nasty fears seem to surface time and time again. Each time the only answer is give more love to the situation. One can not reason with fear. It is not rooted in common sense or logic. The only way to stomp out a fear is with love.

I have found there are different way to use love to calm the beast. At times, I must simply hold a loving thought while allowing fear to pass. Other times, I must express loving and positive thoughts between us while fear surfaces. In times of great need, when we are becoming paralized in being afraid, one of us seems to be blessed with a moment of love that calms the situation.

Apparently, I am still very new at this love thing, in its purest sense, because the lesson returns over and over again. I would not say I am failing at it for each time I learn something new. I am just saying I have not mastered it either. My greatest question is will mastery come to me? Can I learn how to over come my fear of losing love in order to experience love? This might all sound crazy. I surely would have thought it was insane to write this before I actually lived it day in and day out. Each argument, each moment of wondering what the future holds, each day the only answer is to focus on loving that other soul.

The fear is generated somewhere. The generator of the fear is ego. The ego is a nasty monster. On the surface if appears that ego is a protector, after all love hurts. The truth is fear hurts. The ego wants control of love. This is where it gets really interesting. Love can never be controlled. Love is freedom! The ego wants to harness love so it says control that so you will not get hurt. It is all a lie. The misery of love comes from a desire to control love. The irony is the only way to fight the ego is with more love.

By some miracle of the universe, God or whatever higher power there is, my soul is connected to another soul that is learning how to do this. Thank God there is divine intervention, otherwise our egos would destroy the gift we share. I do not claim any gift or wisdom in this situations. Truly, I am a vessel to learn right now. If left to my own ego choices I would have completely destroyed this in a blink of an eye.

Love should not hurt this much is a very true statement. When you have two extraordinarily connected souls paired with over powering egos fear hurts. Every day God gives us one more miracle. We get one more chance at love. He quiets that brash ego with only a love He can inspire. I am not sure I will ever become a master, but I certainly know I am a bit more advanced than yesterday.

The Fear of Fear

I should know by now that life always gives me an introduction to what is coming next for me. Recently, I was stumbling upon articles related to fear. The topic focused on the root of all fears, as well as, how to conquer fears. I believe there was no mistake I saw several of these articles over the course of a week. Being unaware, at the time, that I was going to need this information in the near future, I causally read each article.

Like much of my life, I find myself in unexpected places, at unexpected times. I did not plan to revealing my greatest fear to a loved one, recently, yet I found myself placed right in the middle of just that. I had a rather introspective moment with a close friend coming on the heels of our 25th college reunion. As I shared the new found light regarding myself, I blurted it out…………my deepest fear!

I am not even certain I have ever shared my deepest, darkest fear with anyone. I think mostly, because I thought it was pretty clear what my source of insanity stems from in life. My loved one knows all the dirty details of scariest places in my mind, so I thought. As I revealed “I am afraid of being alone.” I could almost here the words echoing through out the world. Time stood still for me for a moment, as he replied, “You never told me that before.” My first thought was literally, “Shit!” Now I just gave away my fear that has plagued me since birth. Then panic set in as I realized what I had done! It was like the door flew open to the box where I keep all my darkness. I could not turn back now. To me it is somewhat ironic, because I have fear around my fear. Not only am I afraid to be alone in the world, I am afraid to admit that to anyone, most of all to the man I love. Here I stood watching that very fear just flew out into the universe. I paused and asked the all important question, “Do you think I am damaged?” He replied, “No. It is not damage, it is human.” He continued to explain how it shed light on events he did not understand surrounding me in the past. Now I wondered what crazy behaviors, thoughts or words had impacted my relationship with him all stemming from my demon. At that time, I realized this exchange had become a conversation better held in person and not via text. It seems my entire life unfolds in text messages these days. That is a whole other topic and issue. We later finished the conversation, in person, at with point I came to understand what he meant by it explained a lot.

I could write all about why I am afraid to be alone in life. That is another topic for another day. The point today is coping with fear. Not only am I afraid of being alone, I am afraid my very fear will land me in the very place I do not want to be. I realize all my fears are mostly irrational. Admitting my greatest fear left me with a sense of weakness or shame. The fear has completely ruled my life and destroyed it all in the same breath. I feared now it would ruin yet another relationship. I took a deep breath only to realize there was an air of peace, calm and stillness around this great revelation. I was not being judged, much to my relief. He did not turn around, running away screaming. He simply told me it makes sense. As he did not judge me, I stopped judging myself. I reflected on my fear of being alone in the world. Why have I felt this way my whole life? Do I cope with it well today? The simple act of admitting my fear set me free from it. I feel now it is okay to be afraid. I have embraced it. I have stopped irrational, otherwise called crazy, in my book, behaviors surrounding such a fear. The truth is what was such a source of anxiety actually helps my loved one understand what makes me tick. The most important thing is to admit the fear and become emotionally healthy surrounding it.

Did I do what the fear articles advised? I sure did! Did I set out to do it? There was no way I set out to address that fear! I never wanted to share my darkest demons with anyone. The powers to be sent me a storm warning. There were several watches, and warnings. It arrived like a tornado unleashing that door to where I store my vaulted feelings. I am on the other side of that now. The sun is shining today. The tornado destroyed an old belief, much like a tornado destroys a building. The time now is to rebuild.

Style Scout: Design, Planning and Production Company

Style Scout Co., is owned by my dear friend, Sharon Hynes. I am assisting her in blogging activities. Sharon is a gifted and successful artist. PLease visit her site for wonderful home styling ideas.

Style Scout Co. { SSCo. } is a unique full-service design, planning and production company that elevates ordinary styling projects into highly creative, extraordinary collaborations – drama-free, designed fresh just for you. Founded in 2009 by Sharon Hynes, SSCo. celebrates all things style, from prop design, custom decor, faux painting, retail display, holiday display to set design. Need to breathe new life or create a new look for your home, retail display, or product line? SSCo can help!

Here client lists included:

CLIENT EXPERIENCE
Anthropologie
American Greetings
Arhaus Furniture
Arts Collinwood
CR Studio
Detroit Shoreway Community Development Organization
Doner Advertising
Dutch Boy Paints
Epstein Design Partners
Erie Island Coffee
flourish
Great Gatherings
Glidden
Grohe
Hinkley Lighting
Improvements Catalog
JoAnn Fabrics
Johnsonite Floors
Kalman & Pabst Photo Group
Kichler Lighting
Libbey Glass
Lowe’s
Marcus Thomas
Moen
Nestle
People Magazine
Room Service
Russell Lee Photography
Smucker’s
Target
Tiffany and Co.
Things Remembered
thunder::tech
Trepal Photography
Vocon
Walmart

Why Wait?

Why Wait?

There is a process of grieving that goes with healing a broken heart. It has been five weeks now since my love and I separated. I have felt every emotion possible. I have felt anger, sadness, remorse, love, denial and acceptance. Given I have recently traveled through the stages of grief, with the passing of my dad, I am very intimate with how grief feels. When a relationship ends, it dies, just like a person.

You know you have ended the stages of grief when you can remember a loved one with a smile and not a tear. I can not take credit for this discovery. This nugget of wisdom came from my love. I have started to be able to remember without tears our relationship. There is an endless list of reasons to smile about the last three years. He is my best friend. We laughed ourselves silly at times. We cried in each others arms. We learned together, oh, how we learned together.

I made a great mistake in my life. I never expressed my gratitude to someone that shaped my life beyond imaginations. I never truly shared with him ever how he changed me for the better. Being younger, and immature, I was unable to admit I did not know stuff and how he was my knight in shining armor for so long.

I firmly believe today you must tell people how much they mean to you. Why wait until the end of movie to give the credits?

Today I share a love letter of sorts. The thoughts and feelings surrounding the transformation of my life in a way no other soul could possibly do is what my love has given me. The single thought that encompasses my experience with him is he woke up my soul. There is no one that has very pulled me out of my shell like he did. His grand energy that fills a room could over power a place. That energy destroyed the walls around my heart that had been build over the decades. Years upon years of hurt had laid brick after brick until my heart was fully protected. With one kiss, with one smile, and one joke that wall tumbled and shattered. It was terrifying and electric at the same time. I was too enthralled to let my fear rule me. I surrendered to him in every way. He knew my fear. He saw it in my eyes. He felt it in my body. He would simply tell me to have faith.

Faith is what I began to have. I needed faith each step of the way. As our love grew deeper and deeper, I needed more and more faith. I had never felt the protection with anyone I had with him. We adored each other. People would notice us out about and about. We glowed together. People would literally stop and comment about how we looked at each other or about a playful kiss. He literally rocked my world and he taught me to live.

It was not easy for him. I struggled with living in the moment. I struggle with relaxing into us. I struggled every bit of the way. My struggle came from my own wounded inner child. It came from a little girl afraid to trust love. For I knew love could hurt you. Love could destroy you. This love was scary. I was exposed. The walls were gone. The connection was overpowering.

Make no mistake about it, as I sat alone nursing a broken heart, what he taught me about life saved me many days. He worked with me so much to reach a point of serenity and peace in life that I knew what I had to do to keep from dying without him. The very person that had broken my heart gave me all I needed to know to save myself when he left. I am not sure how to even comprehend that. I knew what books to read. I knew how to breathe, how to meditate, how to pray, how to surrender my life to God and how to continue on without him. I was even called on to help another soul. I only knew how to help from all he had taught me.

I talked to my love today. We are both experiencing hitting our own unique rock bottoms. As I recounted a recent discovery about myself regarding sharing the appreciation or lack there of, I have for others enriching my life it struck me he has no idea what he has done for me. We say our relationship failed. It did not fail me. It completely served the purpose it was intended to do at that time.

Today we closed that chapter on our relationship. With the closure of one chapter we opened another. We decided to travel on a path together again. Not the same path, a different path. A new path that will allow us the ability to enjoy all we share positively together with a commitment to change the negative. I know in my heart it will be a perfect path to follow. He and I are no longer the same people that once had a relationship. We are forever changed. What remains today is an unbreakable bond. No one understands us. We don’t even understand us. We simply know what we feel. What should have broken that connection several times over did not begin to touch it. It is unmovable. It is not meant to be understood. It is meant to be felt. What is felt is meant to shared with others.

A Naked Heart

A Naked Heart

I had the privilege to share the day with a friend today. It was a day of completely being authentic. It was all honesty. I was given the opportunity to retell my story. It was a surreal experience of accounting my journey of the last 25 years. As I told her every last detail of my past, it felt as if I was describing the plot of a book or movie. I felt feelings I had long released. I began to remember aspects of me that I had forgotten. A reminder of the long journey I have made in personal growth.

I described how I released the pain of childhood. I call that pain the demons. The voices in my head that always whispered to me that I was not good enough. The voices that said I would never be good enough. I recounted the experience with the man who greatly impacted who I am today. How I was not emotionally mature enough to understand that relationship at the time. I was brutally honest that I was a spoiled, entitled princess with him. I behaved in ways that I have shame for today. He was my enabler for years to act out like a spoil child. I was not ready to accept unconditional love from him, because I did not love myself.
I told her how I learned to love myself, unconditionally. The process that took place inside of me, the self healing and quieting of the demons that told me I was not enough.

As the day unfold, I saw myself differently. I began it see her pain was once my pain. I began to understand every moment of suffering lead to sitting in her living room at that very moment. She looked at me with eyes full of hope. The hope that if I could thrive she can thrive. What started as a hopeless situation began to have hope. I shared normal is only a setting on the dryer. I live my life so far out of the box there is no box today. I always believed if my pain could only help one other soul my life was worth living.

I do not consider my story unique. I know everyone has a story full of pain. What I believe is unique about me is I have been called to teach others how become authentic in life. I have learned to not be afraid to walk my own journey. I long abandon the self hate, shame of bad decisions and guilt of being selfish. When we know better, we do better. I am not special by any means. I have simply been called to help others.

Today I revisited my journey. I opened my heart and bared my soul. I watched the miracle of that kind of honesty bring healing hope to another soul. This is my calling. God has a plan for me. I do not know what it really is, but I have faith He did not lead me to today without giving me the rest of the steps to follow.

I am still healing myself. I sit today and nurse a broken heart. Each day gets easier to accept what has happened. The acceptance is more of embracing a process or surrendering to a plan greater than mine. I know the last three years gave me the courage to be authentic. I practiced it with my love over and over again. They say the kind of love we share is meant to help mankind. It is not a love meant to be held hostage between the two souls. Every bit of what I experienced with him absolutely surfaced today. My healing is not complete. I am not emotionally ready to be in contact with him. I know that is difficult and perhaps painful for him, however I am not emotionally healthy yet. I operate today in a place of being by myself until I am ready to be spiritually fit with other souls. I operate in a world of that more will be revealed. Recently, it was revealed he loves me still and always will. I believe with love all things are possible. I never give up hope. I have seen the miracles of faith. My story is not over. It has just begun.

What I Forgot To Do

What I Forgot To Do

I realize something I had forgotten to do the during this time of heartbreak. I forgot to allow myself to feel rejected. I uttered those words to a friend today. I was afraid to admit it. What did feeling rejected mean for me. Would it damage my self-esteem that took decades to build? Did it mean all the validation in therapy sessions of me being in a healthy emotional state is untrue? All it means is I recognize I feel rejected.

It is a kind of rejection I have never felt. The relationship did not fail due to my physical appearance or even the emotional bond lacking. The relationship failed at the soul level. How do you ever grasp and recover from that? What is soul level failure anyway? Well, it is a connection so deep it dwells in the soul. The connection defies all principles of traditional romantic love. It is a bond that lives on well after separation. In this case the connection failed. There’s a lot of complicated explanations why it did not thrive. In simplest terms it was not ready to thrive. The intensity of the connection was such the energy was too much to handle. It may seem I have lost my mind. I would agree, but when this happened to me I searched for answers. The truth is such connections do exist and there is lots of information about such a soul bond.

Given this is a new kind of rejection for me I am wandering a bit lost these days. Most rejections take place at a superficial level. I long mastered not feeling upset regarding superficial rejection, but soul rejection is new. The good news is I doubt I will ever experience soul rejection again. This type of a connection happens once in a life time. It has either expired for this life time or there is also the possibility the two souls will reunite to learn how to cope with the intensity of the connection. One can not run from a soul connections either. Once discovered it lives within us for eternity.

So what does this mean for me? It means I have to heal. I have to heal my soul. The first step is to admit I feel rejected. That allows my ego to step aside for the moment. Truthfully, so what………..I got my feelings hurt deeply. It does not change anything about the situation. It does not severe the connection. It does not fix the issues so the energy can be managed. It simply means to me I need to let go of my bruised ego. I accepted I feel rejected, now I move on in peace. It is like any kind of rejection that happens being upset serves no purpose at all, only the healing matters today.

It Is Always About Me

It Is Always About Me

In searching through the rubble of a broken romance I had to get real with yourself. That getting honest part is never a fun process. It is much easier to just blame the other person. Everyone that loves me will happily allow me to just point the finger without shame. Of course, I did nothing wrong. It has to be all him.

In the quiet of the night, when no one else is around, the truth begins to surface. What role did I play? Covered in the drape of “I did it out of love or I only wanted the best for him” the realization becomes I was in the way of love.

How am I in the way of love? How did I give selflessly and it becomes a negative impact to a relationship? Well, it becomes unhelpful when I started to get in the way of him walking his own path. Instead of being a quiet observer I wanted to get in there and help with all the struggles. I could not stand to the watch the pain of the journey. I was impatient with how life was unfolding.

Why on earth this showed up in this relationship I do not know. I was a teacher for God sake. I know how to be patient as people learn for experiences. I do not get involved in my own children’s growth. I guide them, but allow them the freedom to grow emotionally. So why did I get so wrapped up in another soul’s journey. The answer is simple, because he is just like me!

I can easily observe others growing pains patiently. I can be supportive and helpful, without being a roadblock. I do, however, get in the way of my own growth and being so close to another soul I got in the way of his. The hardest part to admit is I simply was projecting my own judgement, impatience and lack of love for myself on to him. When I am disturbed about something in someone else it is never about him or her. It is ALWAYS about me. It is about my lack of tolerance for my own growth, shortcomings or insecurities. That’s huge piece of humble pie to swallow. Being so much alike, in so many ways, I saw myself in him. I saw what I hate about me. I wanted to change that, but the mistake is trying to change that reflection of myself in another soul. I have to change that in me, not anyone else.

Today, I sit with the wreckage I caused. All hope is not lost. Today, for the first time, I accept my shortcomings. I do not need to be perfect. It is ok if I struggle with personal growth. It is ok to make mistakes for that is how I learn. Once I am comfortable in my own skin, watching another walk his or her path is not upsetting. Relationships, especially soul connections, reflect back to us what we need to address. I knew this intellectually, I did not however know how to address it spiritually until now.

So how does this look in reality? Well, it plays out in several ways. First, the new insight has to manifest in observable behavior changes. The personal growth is useless unless it can enhance your life for the better. Second, the lesson learned can be taken to new relationships to enhance those interactions. The failed situation can be left to rest between the two people. Third, the two people involved in the failed situation can agree to allow the new insight to develop between them to see if healing and emotional safety can occur. I would say how the behavior changes appear in your life depends on the depth and love of the failed situation. With distance from the wreckage and new found light in spiritual development, on the parts of both souls, in this situation, we are going to allow the new to play out in a friendship first. There is an open door to allow all possibilities to develop. What must take place before anything, is an emotionally healthy interaction between both souls. All souls are different. All souls need different things at different time. In this case there is a deep seated connection that does not want do be abandoned. In that case, the only option is to be healthy together.

From greatest pain comes the greatest growth. No matter what happens, I am forever changed. I truly accept and love myself. It was only now that I can truly love another.

No Accident

No Accident

I am fragile right now. Perhaps, one of the most fragile times of my life. I have been going through the worlds’s longest break up. Someday, I will have clarity regarding why my connection with this soul is so turbulent. Today I do not. The only purpose to share this is to say I am exceedingly fragile emotionally.

I firmly believe anyone that comes into your life is there for a reason. In the darkest moments, I had someone appear. Like all most significant soul encounters it happened under a series of unusual circumstance. We had been in plain sight of each other for some time and could have naturally crossed paths, but that did not happen. The meeting was not that simple. There is no accident in I receive just the right messages at the right time from this person. It is certainly not profoundly wise words to most people, however for me it is coming in perfect timing. This is an unique encounter, because I have been accept as is today. That is baffling to me, because I feel so broken and not whole. I am unsure how to respond to a soul looking at me and telling me I am fine as is for I have never heard those words.

I did learn a new term, kindred spirits. I had to search the meaning for I did not know what it truly meant. Here is what I found.

Kindred Spirits
“Kindred Spirits are two people that make a special connection by sharing a bond that has joined them by the means of an experience that has drawn them together on a higher level of consciousness. This connection can be from the same experience at the same time or two separate experiences similar in nature.
If two people were in a dramatic situation and had to depend on each other in order to get out of the situation or one having to help rescue the other, they would become bonded as kindred spirits. Oftentimes, a couple will meet that had both come from very bad past situations in a relationship; a bond is then reached because an understanding of what the other had been through where they feel no one else truly understands, through this the have become kindred spirits.”
by Carol Ann Kidder October 18, 2006

The meaning of kindred spirits brings a sense of peace and calmness in the mist of drama. I have to believe there is not accident in this meeting. It is a place I feel safe. A safety that has not been present in life, maybe ever. Very few souls have looked at me with an acceptance of who I am. Certainly, the concept of allowing myself to be or I am human is not one I have ever entertained in the past. There is simply a quiet acceptance of who I am without conditions or expectations. Of course, since this is a human experience, there are human traits that arise. I have been given the freedom to heal from my hurts in my own time before being pushed into areas of the human experience that I am not ready for now. Certainly, until I am done grieving the illusion of loss I am experiencing I am not emotionally available. The illusion of loss. I think it might be an illusion. For it seems I am gaining so much more being a kindred spirit.

“I like You, Because You Are An Adult”

“I Like You, Because You Are An Adult.”

That statement might be an odd one to hear given I have been an adult for quite some time. I remember the precise moment, I realize I was an adult. It was freshman year of college, all of sudden I was called a woman and not a girl. Now allow me to qualify, that was when society recognized me as adult. I actually did not become an adult women until decades later.

I spend most of my twenties and thirties not being emotionally mature at all. As always, I had men in my life that enable me to be somewhat of a spoiled princess. A hard character flaw to own, but the truth. I have had more than one soul mate in my life. I had been madly in love with an unavailable man. Yes, I was very much married, but life happens and we do not choice who we fall in love with in our journey. I spent the better part of 15 years being ashamed of myself, shouldering the judgment of my peers and myself. I just could not help myself I was crazy about him.

He was older, not by a lot, but enough to be wiser than me. He was my mentor, my best friend, and very briefly a lover. I was a spoiled rotten immature woman, never fully appreciating what he gave me and how he enriched my life. Frankly, I owe much of the woman I am today to how he cared for me and guided me. He encouraged me to pursue activities I would never dream I could do. I started my fitness journey with him. The day I found myself expecting unexpectedly he assured me I would be an amazing mom. For 15 years, we talked on the phone nearly everyday. He truly was the love of my life, so I thought. He promised we would always be friends. Then one day, he just simply got tired of my immature selfish behavior. In his defense, I would have left me far sooner than he did. When he left my world crumbled. I never made a move in life without his impute. I was alone for the first time, and I had not yet become the adult woman I should have been.

I hit rock bottom, as they say. The only thing I knew to do was begin praying. I simply prayed for peace and joy. It actually began to work. At the same time I started reading spiritually sights online. I began to realize how much I lacked positive energy. I began to mediate. I started my journey to being a mature soul.

I know he keeps an eye on me from a distance. I suppose that might feel a bit creepy, yet I feel it is not. It is like a teacher knowing about a student. I moved on from that relationship. I did make amends to him for how I was with him. From time to time we send a text to each other and he did reach out to me when my father passed. That is how I know he somehow knows what how I am.

As I had coffee with a new friend recently, the comment came, “I like you, because you are an adult.” A comment that seems humorous to me, seeing I had just shared the events and situation of my life as it is today. To me, my life looks like a hot mess. I am not at all where I had planned or wanted to be at age 46. This person’s reply was life is messy. What makes me an adult is how I handle it. Maybe my life is a hot mess, but that doesn’t mean I am a hot mess. I simply cope with what is place in front of me today. I have an amazing support system of friends and family, but I do not rely on anyone emotionally like I did in the past.

I often think of my friend, who protected me for so long. It might be a smile that comes across my face remembering a joke we shared. I even hear words of advice still from him. The greatest act of kindness he ever did for me was cut me free. I would never had become an adult woman if he had not. I believe we have many, many soul mates that drift in and out of our lives, at certain time, for certain reasons.

I use to see my life as tragic. It is not a “normal” life. It is not neat and tidy. It is messy. It could be considered a scandal on many levels. That is only in the eyes of society. Frankly, I have bigger lessons to master on my journey. My lessons do not fall into the expectations of society’s norms. My life never has and I have long abandoned the need for my life to do so. What I have learned is to never allow my lessons on my journey to hurt other souls. A skill I did not master earlier in life. Today, I would not be involved in such connections if others could be hurt by it. We grow, we learn and we do better when we know better. It is all we can really count on in life.